Roast | President |
You were a very impotent president. And no, that's not a typo. Thanks for the Southwest, but really, we would have had it anyway, even without your limp endeavors. | |
Why do we think our best president is the one who killed the most Americans? But congratulations on being the ugliest, most ungainly goober ever to achieve historic fame. | |
Why don't you just drone on in the rain for six hours at your inauguration, and then die? That'd be a great presidency. | |
Great job getting impeached. Without even getting laid. | |
You hoped that you would be called 'His Highness the President of the United States and protector of their liberties.' You precious little fop. | |
You sound like a vaguely famous, important Founding Father guy, but really, your only memorable accomplishment is a pompous, imperialistic doctrine that you didn't even write. | |
You died only a few years ago, and already your name is synonymous with... absolutely nothing. In 100 years, Millard Fillmore will be more famous than you. | |
How 'Rough and Ready' could you have been when you died due to a stomach complaint after eating too many cherries and milk on the 4th of July? | |
At 5'3', were you the only president to require a high chair for state dinners? When the British burned Washington, did you ride away on a cute little tricycle? | |
Wow, you were a hog-raising hick and a pork-barrel hack at the same time. Dewey really should have wiped the floor with you. | |
All the Gilded Age presidents were d-bags, but you were especially obnoxious. Probably it's the Indiana thing. | |
The only thing more hypocritical than your tough talk about bloody revolutions was your lofty commentaries on slavery. Oh and the embargo? That sucked. | |
Lots of talk about big sticks and rough-riding, but your most lasting cultural legacy is a squeezable child's doll? What a pussy. | |
Loved your 250-pp Report on Weights and Measures.. gripping stuff. Oh, and you only made it here because of your dad, who wasn't even a good president. | |
So your entire administration was devoted to helping rich pricks buy bigger limos? With time off to shun AIDS victims and stage phony invasions? Yeah, you belong on the $10 bill. | |
True, you twiddled your thumbs while the country starved. But you did go to Stanford, so I'm sure you're very proud of yourself. | |
Props on the beard. No props on your BS election, wimpy surrender of Reconstruction, and unimaginative, genteel toolishness. | |
You're supposed to be a great general, but your army's most heroic moment was a mass retreat, followed by months of cold, starvation, and dysentery. Plus, your teeth are gross. | |
You almost drowned the White House in an ocean of sleaze and other fluids, but fortunately the Internet came around when you were in office, so you're mostly remembered fondly. | |
First you cheated, then you lied, then you quit. At least President George Costanza would have taken a nap under his desk or something. But you're the boring kind of evil scumbag. | |
Wow, you whipped the Spaniards and stole their junky little colonies. Impressive. But let's face it: you're still a hyper-conservative creep with a monstrous forehead. | |
Excellent work defusing the Civil War, you fussy little doughfaced fraud. Oh, wait. | |
| Roast | President |
Maybe if you weren't shot in your first year, you'd be more famous than a cartoon cat who eats lasagne. Sorry. | |
The crappy city that's named after you isn't even named after you. Also, the Gold Standard is for douchebags. | |
Called 'The Hero of Many Bottles' because your bravest act in the Mexican War was getting injured when you drunkenly fell off your horse. Ha. | |
Maybe every 53 year old wants to marry a 22 year old, but when you do it while president, it's just pathetic. Especially when you weren't even elected. Loser. | |
Famously known as 'The Father of Civil Service.' Oh, wait, except you might be the least famous president ever. Sweet sideburns, tho. | |
Is 'The Little Magician' the most effeminate Presidential nickname ever? Yes. Yes, it is. | |
Wait, so you earned global renown and admiration for 1) cheating on your wife; 2) not blundering into world war; 3) cheating lots more on your wife; and 4) dying young? Well done. | |
You're such a pathetic drunk that even your greatest act of corruption was called the Whiskey Ring. | |
Everybody's idea of a great leader, if a great leader means a corrupt douchebag who invents bogus words like 'normalcy.' | |
Yes, sir, here's another enormous helping of terrapin soup, served directly to your custom-made bath-tub. You fat hog. | |
Decent job on the depression and war stuff. But would it have killed you to stand up once in a while? | |
It would not be prudent to underestimate your painful lack of charisma, or the noxious spawn of your loins. | |
When you died, Dorothy Parker said, 'how could they tell?' SNAP. | |
Indian genocide? Check. Depression-inducing economic demagoguery? Check. Chronic gas problems? Check. Yep, safe to say you were a world-class a-hole. | |
Just the sound of your name can put millions to sleep. Wait, the Whigs aren't a national party anymore? | |
Supreme Commander of naps. | |
You would have moved the capital to Mecca and implemented sharia law, but fortunately they wouldn't put that stuff on the TelePrompTer. | |
Peanuts + Stagflation = History's Greatest Monster. | |
Civil rights were nice. Being trapped in a bathroom stall and forced to admire your genitals?... somewhat less nice. And Vietnam, that wasn't nice at all. | |
Hey! A racist prick who led the country into an unnecessary war! No wonder you're a hero to... liberals? | |
Our children is learned that you were a fake-cowboy poseur and unfailing national embarrassment. | |
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